Four AM, my eyes are open

With in the last hour, some stuff really hit me hard.

-Life being snuffed out before it ever has the chance of opening up its eyes.
I know what life is, i know when it starts, i know how...
but at the same time, i've allowed myself to become desensitized to the fact that since they are small, since they are completely helpless, they might not yet matter.
Blood might flow in them, but that's it. Who am i? Who am i but a sack of blood? who am i?
I am someone. that's who. I have a name, a purpose, a life, "love". Freedom!
The way i tried to justify it.... sickening. i am flesh, i am blood. i am mortal, just like an unborn child.

All life matters, All of it does.
Who am i to say otherwise? Who am i to take life for granted?

After reading one a post on facebook about an aborted, a murdered, baby trying to flee, trying to avoid its own death, it was only then i finaly relized just how alive it really was.
It doesn't matter if it fled by reflex or if it fled out of fear, it still fled. it's heart still was beating, it was still alive. It is so painful to say, but before i heard that story...
it was just a bad choice. Now i see, to call it a choice, is evil. pure evil. Abortion is a desensitized decision that people who want to run away from a hard to swallow reality.

I am so sorry to say but for me, the very proof of life...
was death. It was not until i heard the struggle for life,that i saw that this child lived.
I am a very slow person, and i dont claim to be otherwise, but i guess for me:
to truly understand and appreciate something, i have to loose it. When i heard this story, it felt like my child why dying, my unborn, unconceived, future child that i long to have. it felt like i lost him. If i ever done something dumb, like get a girl pregnant before marrying her or just plain hearing my future wife is pregnant and then choosing not to let the pregnancy come to term... so nonchalant! it breaths! it bleeds! it wants to live! it dies...
IF something is killed, reduced to a bloody puddle and chopped up bits and bones....
then that means at one point, at one period of time, it was all in one piece, it was alive.
it WAS alive.
It isn't anymore. its dead, its really dead.
It died before anyone knew him or her, it died before anyone cared to know what sex it was, so a pronoun that's nonspecific was tacked onto the remains. on its remains.
To say that this is sad is a serious understatement. I am so sad, so painfully sorry to not have realized this until now.

-People leading others down paths of lies, of hate, of delusion; spiritually dying as they walk a path of misconception and pure deceit. I hate that! No need to drag others with you, especially children. Why don't people open their eyes? why cant they see? When someone tells me something bogus, i look it up, i check it out. i want to know if its true. Don't people care? cultic leaders leading people with good intentions astray. that is so evil. so evil. So close to the truth, but they might never see it because they are being consumed by lies and twisted truths.

-Morals, from professing Christians being down right questionable.
"I'm a Christian, and i drink with my worldly buddies. I figure as long as no one else sees me, especially no other Christian, its ok. (As long as no other Christian sees me, i can blow any chance i might have had to show them the love of Christ. I most likely have lost all hope of not coming off as a hypocrite if i ever decide to tell them about Christ and the fact they need him, oh well. At least i got to chill over a cold one with my buddies.)"(i added the part in the parentheses) Yea i'm mad, not lying; i'm pretty mad. Those three little letters can't even begin to contain just how ticked off i am right now.
The thick,sickeningly sweet sent of mint chew lingered thick in the air of the lounge in my dorm hall for a while. So yea, i think i might have grounds to be a little angry.
...the air now circulates, the sent wavers.
I’m waiting here for my life to change,
When the waters stir you can rearrange me.
Just one touch is all I need,
I’ve nothing much but the wounds I feel,
I’m looking for the hand of the miracle man.

It was so much at once. to know for certain, to shout in unbelief, to doubt and be uncertain...
It was a lot but, Jesus, no matter what your with me. Forgive me Lord, for my sin of desensitization, God Forgive me. You've opened up my eyes wide tonight.
Keep them open, keep my heart from hardening any more. You've shattered my broken thinking, you've made me see. Please keep my eyes open, my heart in your ever softening grasp, and my mind from ever forming such horribly flawed thoughts.



What ever happens, Good, Bad, and just plain Confusing...
I know you'll be here, every step of the way.It gets hard sometimes, but in time, everything will be well with my soul.
Why? because you are sovereign, you are God, you are Lord of all, all things work for your glory and honor. All things. You can move in any situation to turn the worst possible thing imaginable and somehow, someway, turn that for good, for your glory Lord. And thats what i count on, thats one of the things that keep me going. Thats why it will be well with my soul, no matter what. Not just well though, willing to change. I'll take the heart wrenching pain, but that doesn't mean i'll just stand here. No, i will be active, i will advocate your grace.